I have been thinking recently about coming out. More specifically my own coming out. I have come out as gay a number of times so far and I continue to do so every time I start a new job or meet somebody new. These days for me it is easy. Partly down to the fact that attitudes and beliefs are changing but mostly I think because I am no longer ashamed of who I am and have finally released the need to have others agree, accept or get on board with who I am.

One particular coming out experience I think about the most is the one I shared with my Father. When I was a child I thought a lot about when in my life would I be able to be openly gay. I imagined a time where I could live, behave and love honestly. A time where I could be myself. I remember trying to work out how many years it might be before my Dad died.

For years I believed that my life would be one big lie until the day my Father died. Then I could be gay because he wouldn’t know, wouldn’t be disappointed and couldn’t abandon me.

As it turns out I came out to him on Christmas day 2003 aged 19. I hadn’t planned to do it then. It was after an argument and my Dad had said that he wished we could be more honest with each other;

‘I am gay, you wanted us to be more honest, well there it is I am gay’

Words I once believed I would never say in front of my Father. This moment in my life feels to me like such a defining one. I spent a few years wondering why I had bothered. Our relationship had not flourished and transformed because of it but had pretty much ended aside from the odd phone call on Christmas day.

After years of trying to work it all out I remembered that my moment with him wasn’t for him. It wasn’t even for us. It was for me. Despite knowing that my Dad would probably be ashamed and deeply disappointed in me, abandon me, deny it to himself and others, I still did it. Despite knowing deep down that my coming out would be the final nail in a somewhat shoddy coffin, I still said it. 

I said it because being true and honest with who I am was more important than having my Father in my life. That’s how important it was and I would do it all again in a heartbeat. 

It makes me wonder about some of my straight friends and whether or not they have had their own coming out experience in some way or another. The experience of actively telling someone who claims to know and love you more than anyone else in the world who you really are.

This unique experience that forced me to know who I was at a very early age and to stand strong and not back down when there were people in my life who wanted me to be something entirely different.

‘Come out to your relatives, come out to your friends, if indeed they are your friends’ ~Harvey Milk

Jon

I was taught many things at school. I spent two hours a week for a good five years learning the French language. At the age of twenty nine I have to admit that I do not remember anything apart from bonjour and s’il vous plait. My Maths teacher went over and over Pythagoras’ theorem with me and I remember none of it, I even had to google the spelling.

There is one thing I do remember about School. I seem to be reminded of it all the time.

One afternoon an English teacher was covering one of my lessons. I don’t remember how the topic was raised but I remember him saying:

‘There are gay people in the world, it’s not my cup of tea but there is nothing wrong with it’

You may not think that this is the most inspiring or ground breaking message but for me, as an 11 year old gay child, it was. It stood out from the many opposing messages I received throughout my time at school. 

It makes me think about where my life might have headed and which route I may have taken if I hadn’t have heard it. Maybe that one throw away comment changed my life. In the years since I would remember the teacher who said the few words that weren’t even on the curriculum that made me think that maybe what I felt was OK.

The inclusion of children is so very important to us. Because kids pick up on the things you say and the things you don’t say. We underestimate young people and what they know, what they store and what they remember.

The messages children receive can and do shape the adults they become, how they feel about themselves and the choices they make.

We have a responsibility to change the messages our children receive. If you would like to be part of a new message that lets our LGBT youth know that what they feel is OK and they can be proud of who they are CLICK HERE. 

This is an article our Mother has written commenting on the church officials reaction to the ever growing support for equal marriage in the UK. We are so Proud2Be the sons of a courageous woman who has questioned the many messages about LGBT people she has received throughout her life and has chosen to reject prejudice rather than her two gay sons. She writes:

How ironic that the church officials who, for centuries, have persecuted and vilified people for their sexuality, have preached and discriminated against those for being who they are, are now whining that their parishioners are being victimised for their beliefs.

This is not so - everyone is entitled to hold a belief, but using this belief to encourage prejudice/homophobia/bigotry etc. is totally unacceptable. These same officials hide behind their parishioners, which, of course, is typical behaviour of all bullies. It is the church officials who instil prejudice/bigotry/homophobia etc into its “flock”. People attend church to share their beliefs. The church then introduce their own rules/agenda, which in effect amounts to crowd control.

They promote a doctrine that their way is the only way and no one else is entitled to their own thoughts and beliefs. The church is now seriously worried that their hold over people is weakening. Indeed, it is a fact that a higher percentage of the population knows and believes the church to be driven primarily by finance and power. Hence, the church officials’ knee-jerk reaction to the growing acceptance of same sex marriage and the LGBT community.

Most people, through social networking and easy access to information, are questioning the teachings of the church and are being guided by what they feel instinctively is right. They understand that belief comes from inside, a gut feeling, conscience - the name is irrelevant – it’s an inner guidance we are all born with.

To pledge your support for equal marriage click here

A few years ago a mutual friend asked us both if we were proud to be gay. It was part of an everyday conversation and at the time we weren’t aware how important that question was going to be to us. At the time we both quickly answered ‘no’. We told her that we were indifferent to it. At the time we were actually quite offended by the question and asked her;

‘Why would we be proud to be gay? Are you proud to be straight?’

‘Yes’ she answered without hesitation.

Although at that time we were out gay men neither one of us could say we were proud of it. In fact the thought of being proud brought for us so many reasons why we couldn’t or shouldn’t be.

We now believe that being proud of who you are could and should be taught from word go. In fact, not taught but reminded, because feeling shame for who you are is not inherent, It is learned.

Every single one of us has the opportunity to foster and encourage the pride that is inherent in a young child. Because the simple fact is children and adults who love themselves and have a deep rooted sense of pride for who they are, who have been constantly reminded of their beauty, uniqueness and perfection do not self harm. They do not accept bullying, abuse or discrimination. They do not make themselves sick and they do not kill themselves.

Although our project in all its forms is positive, life affirming, encouraging and empowering, neither one of us can deny that the journey to it has been filled with pain, fear, self loathing and deep rooted shame. It was only at the age of 28 that we were both ready to discover and explore the huge part of ourselves that we spent years running away from.

We are both still yet to meet an individual who identifies as LGBT who has been raised to be proud of who they are by EVERYBODY in their life. The Proud2Be vision for the future is for self pride and self love to be expected and shame and self loathing to be quite out of the ordinary.

So if you are unsure of whether to create a Proud2Be video, a piece of work that will undoubtedly change and shape somebody’s future. Lovingly ask yourself, Is it because I don’t have the time or is it because at this time I can’t say I am proud to be who I am?

x

We continue to be astounded and truly uplifted by the support, kind messages and advice the Proud2Be Project continues to receive on a daily basis. When undertaking this project we both understood that for all the help and support we would receive we would also be putting ourselves up for a fair amount of criticism too. Some people roll their eyes at us and ask us why we can’t just be happy with our lot. Some worry about our inclusion of children within the project.